Insanity

I once heard that the definition of insanity was dong the exact same thing more than once and expecting a different result. (Strangely enough, this is the same principle that leads to questions like, “You're pregnant? How did that happen?”)

My son, when asked what he wanted to do for his eleventh birthday, (I was praying it wouldn't be a party at Chuckie Cheese, I hate that rat, but kids seem to love him.) didn't hesitate. He wanted to have a sleepover with a few close friends.

You might recall he had a sleepover with a friend this summer that ended up with an in depth discussion of Creationism vs Evolution that morphed into a Star-Wars-themed analysis of wormholes. You also might be thinking that this lead to the topic of this blog. But, once I heard about the plan, I had some hard questions for my wife and son.

“How many is a few?”

“Two, maybe three,” my son answered.

“Will I be allowed to drink?

“Of course,” my wife answered

“Can we add rum to their drinks if they get out of hand?”

“Dad!” That was my son.

“I'm just kidding.” (No, I wasn't)

So, I was perfectly fine with the sleepover concept. The party would start at six pm. My wife and I could handle two additional kids until ten pm. We had video games, movies, a tree house, a large yard, and dek hockey equipment. No, I was not at all worried about the party.

The part about doing the same thing more than once and expecting a different outcome was... Well there's no delicate way of putting it. My wife.

I should have gotten a clue as my son and I were driving home from dek hockey (Yes, I'm coaching again this season, so expect another Herb blog post.) and my wife called. “Could I pick up one of my son's friends?” She was running a little late getting last minute things for the party.

This is the same woman that volunteered to chaperone my son's kindergarten Christmas party and somehow, scheduled a root canal for the same day. Of course, the root canal was scheduled so it wouldn't interfere with her stuff for the party, but just to be safe, could I maybe be ready to run over to the school. Shockingly, after her root canal, she didn't think it would be a good idea to go the Christmas party. So, I got to start off Christmas being traumatized by a roomful of five-years hopped up on sugar and Christmas anticipation.

So... My son and I picked up his friend. I asked my son how many of his friends were going to come over. Two or three had morphed to five or six. I still wasn't worried. In dek hockey, I can manage twelve armed and armored kids. (If you're looking for a mental image, think of a tuna in the middle of a shark feeding frenzy...)

As the kids started to arrive, I couldn't help but notice how quickly the parents drove off. Their derisive laughter wasn't giving me much confidence. Eventually, I was looking into the frantic eyes of five boys that had been looking forward to a sleepover for a long time.

“Ok guys, here are the options.” As the parental leader, (since my wife was still out getting those essential last minute items) it was up to me to keep things organized and under control. “We have video games, movies, dek hockey or you can play in the tree house.”

Here was my first mistake. If you give a group of boys several options, they will choose all of them, each with a different choice. So, they did all of them. At once. And... it worked. They had rules that made no sense to anyone over thirteen.

When my wife finally made it home from the last minute shopping (Apparently, they grew the actual flour that they then ground for the cake.) she was ready to take over the social activities.

“Did you feed them?”

“Yep.”

“Where's the pizza?”

“Outside.”

“What? Why are the plates still on the table?” In her senility, she'd gotten out plastic cups and plates for them to eat off. When the pizza arrived, I did what any sane father would do. I waited until they ran by in a fairly good re-enactment of Lord of the Flies. Then I put the pizza boxes and drinks on the driveway. They would sense their primary food source. Sure enough, I checked back later and the pizza was gone. I knew they weren't hungry because there were only a few teeth marks on the pizza boxes.

“Where are they?”

“Outside.”

“What are they doing?”

Sometimes you have to wonder why mothers are even allowed around sleep-overs with their naïve questions. Next would be something equally inane like, “Are they all still alive?”

Just then, five overly excited boys ran by in a blur. There was a tint of purple so I knew my daughter was still keeping up with them. The primal screams of “KILL HIM!” made my wife blanch enough for me to remind them of the primary rule. “No killing, guys!”

That was more a guideline. I'd made sure each parent knew of my 80-20 rule. As long as 80% of the kids were still whole in the morning, it was a success. With 5 kids, that gave me a whole one to work with. So far, I had plenty of wiggle room, but we still had to get them to sleep and my wife had canceled my hotel reservation for the night...

Sleepover

“Dude, we started from two people.”

“Dude, I know. All I'm saying is those two people could have been monkeys.”

“Dude, we're not monkeys.”

“I'm not saying we're monkeys. Millions of years ago, we were monkeys.”

“First, there were two people. I forget what their names were. Second, monkeys don't have names.”

“Dude, I know. I'm not saying the first two people were monkeys. They evolved from dinosaurs. Then there were monkeys.”

“Animals came first. Then there were dinosaurs.”

“Everything on the Earth is an animal.”

My son was having a sleepover. It was almost midnight and I decided it might be a good idea to check on them. It was just us three guys, since my wife had decided that after almost a week of camping and sleeping on a “cot” surrounded by cub scouts, I needed one more night of no sleep while she and my daughter had a relaxing sleep over at the zoo with their girl scout troop. (Amazingly, my son's friend's mom was also going on the sleep over to the zoo. As she and my wife drove away, I'm pretty sure I heard unbalanced cackling from the car...) Also, it is a great idea to take two young boys who haven't gotten a decent night's sleep for a while and put them in close quarters, after an evening of junk food and super-hero movies.

So, I quietly walked up the stairs (on the very slight chance they were both asleep) and listened to the above conversation.

I was expecting a rehash of the Avengers and a heated argument about who was the best super-hero (One thought the Hulk was the best, the other thought it was Captain America.). Instead, I walked into a debate on creationism vs evolution.

I was not prepared for this. For one, I was sober and so were both kids, so any chance of a meaningful conversation was shot.

“Listen, million and millions of years ago, there were monkeys and cavemen evolved from them.”

“There were only two people.”

“Ok, dude, millions and millions of years ago, there were like two monkeys and they kept evolving, until there were like two cavemen.”

“It wasn't millions of years ago, it was like, I don't know, six days or something.”

“But, dude, the universe is infinite. It's still growing.”

“There are multiple universes, dude.”

“No dude. There is one universe. You mean galaxies.”

“No. There are multiple universes.”

They'd gone from creationism vs evolution to wormholes. As they got into the finer details of multi-dimensional travel (The Trekkies got seriously slighted. All their designs were based on Star Wars.) I had to sit down as they designed the rocket ships. (Oh, I'd had those same conversions with my friends when I was younger. But mine were in college and fueled by caffeine, alcohol and lack of sleep. My son and his friend were only going on pizza and super hero movies. Thankfully, nothing included Jar Jar.)

Around midnight, (yes, if my son's friend's mom reads this, I am going to be in trouble. I'm pretty sure I agreed to making sure both boys were in bed at a reasonable time, which they were. There was nothing in the verbal contract about being asleep at a reasonable time.) they finally had travel to distant worlds, stars and universes figured out. There was a few minutes of quiet from their room. The world kept spinning, time continued, so I don't think they broke anything with their ideas. Just in case, I felt obliged to watch an episode of Honey Boo Boo, just to make sure the universal scales stayed balanced.